Mid Life Crisis

I have been suffering from the disease since I was 15 or something, and the symptoms continue to persist even today. I started suspecting the disease without actually knowing how you feel like if you have the disease. Without going through the signs and symptoms I was sure of my mid life crisis.

I think I acquired the bug watching some of the auteur's so called classic movie where they actually depicted their sexual frustration arising out of long standing marriage and the protagonist take fantasy with some young girl and faces consequences out of it.

But with me acquiring the disease at 15, without a girlfriend or any obvious psychopathic tendency (to the best of my belief) was something very peculiar.

What started with a silly joke with friend gradually turned into a (pseudo)philosophical metaphor.

If you don’t know the length of your life then how can you define your mid point? If the journey can be ended at any point, why the midpoint can’t start as soon as fifteen?

So what were the symptoms like?

With time symptoms are also changing, but to be precise whenever mind is full of melancholy –I think this is it.

In nineties the symptoms were precipitated by lack of connectivity with the so called world at large, Guwahati was a small city then and there was paucity of information regarding what we thought to be happening world.

Now I live away from my loved city, there is excess of information though but nothing is there to fill the vague in those time of incompleteness.  

There are many other precipitating factors that lead to such desperation, so I started a methodical root cause analysis for the so called disease I am suffering from. It can be loosely hypothesized “as not having achieved what I thought to be achievable at that point of time”. With time the faith and confidence level is getting down and down and down. As the suspicion of failure is creeping in that is leading to the melancholy which I call as “Mid Life Crisis”.

I cannot tell you for sure but if I have to explain “My Mid Life crisis” to you; I got to tell you it is almost like love. While explaining my mid life crisis I have to quote from my memory of a famous film whose dialogue still resonates in my mind. The film was "Suraj Ka Satwa Ghoran” by the maestro Syam Benegal .Here after a long and complicated tryst with the ‘element’ called love protagonist Rajat Sharma explains :definition and feeling about love is something like soul or God ,until you find one your quest for love will go on .

So my quest for my mid life

The life journey of life is mysterious and unknown

To the great Indian middle class, Mid Life crisis has nothing to do with libido, mistress, or sexuality,

Being grinded in a routine called life we long for a way out looking for some sunshine and if we smell of losing the goal sadness creeps in. We name this sadness by various name, and mid life crisis is just one such example.   

An ode to youth hood (যৌৱন)

An ode to youth hood (যৌৱন) 

After birth – the crying

Then the slumber of forgetfulness

Slowly its adolescence

Thereafter its youth

Youth hood is none but a dream.

And what after the dream?

The dream is better

Let it continue

 

Piece from Jatra (যাত্রা), a collection of creative fiction about journey of a young mind searching exactitude .

Also read:Jatra 

Words misunderstood

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I have problems with words (or their meaning),

Because when we closely observe, we see that words uttered (or said) don’t really mean what we really meant. This problem trouble me so much that many time I go through aphasia / creative block / nihilistic resolution seeing how wired our mainstay of communication (i.e. word ) can turn out to be .

This problem has been the theme of two of my story .One was about creation, (সৃষ্টি) may be in art, writing or photography and the other was about nothingness (Something about nothing – অসম্ভব লিপ্যন্তৰ).It took two year each to complete those two story (and the literary journal took 3 year each to publish them).

Off late when I was going through Kundera’s works all over again I rediscovered that I am not the only one who have this problem (Ahem! Ahem! )

In ‘Unbearable lightness of being Kundera dedicated an entire chapter on this problem where he discussed how a word can be interoperated differently by different people as per individual experiences and taste .He named the chapter –Words Misunderstood and individual sub chapter as –A Short Dictionary of Misunderstood words .(remember it’s a Novel )

Then I was going through his ‘The art of the novel’ (but it’s a collection of assays) Here also he discussed the same problem in prose - how painful it is to express something and then when its got to be translated –how horrendous it is to see that the translated word doesn’t really mean what you actually expressed in your original writing. This chapter named Sixty three words –he published notes he used to make for such words .We can see one whole page just to express meaning of a simple word like comic, youth….vulgarity.

Let me give you some of my personal experience

Vulgar: A rich MNC worker punch drunk, biting a tandoored Chicken leg was giving lecture on-poor farmer committing suicide in hunger .I found the situation extremely vulgar. (To my friend vulgarity is only when it deals with obscenity or at least immorality. And that man has every right to speak his mind out as it’s a free country.)

Dark: Once I told ‘I have a dark thinking thought processes

1^st friend seriously enquired ‘Do you think of Sex all the time?

2^nd friend commented ‘you should see a psychiatrist, you are suffering from depression.

3^rd friend said ‘How can you think in the dark, it’s scary.

‘Boy boy!’ and I replied nothing...Words misunderstood hah. :-)

you can also read :denial

Tragic Heroes

We follow only the winners and while following them many times we fail to recognize some personalities as history try to brand them as tragic hero (or many say they were villain).While deciding through the accepted denominator of write and wrong we don’t accept contribution some people whose name should have been taken with some respect otherwise.

Take the case of cricket – In a country where we (used to) eat drink and sleep cricket we have seen this game metamorphosed through our eyes .what transformed the game into a world sports – may be exiting fielding , professional attitude ,proper field placement ,game plane ,bringing statistic and technology for development of the game. Everything was introduced (together) by a very clever dedicated duo of Bob Wolmer –and Hansie Cronje .

But we remember both of them for some other reason altogether .Personally I feel Hansie Cronje is the only person in this scandal hit game who have acknowledged the truth. So we call him a villain .Otherwise people of similar track records are now –member of parliament ,chief selector commentator and so on and on.

The list of tragic heroes are innumerable –remember in 90’s when India was emerging as a module of failed nation (economy, political unrest, mistrust) them came one prime minister and with few steps with vision that rescued the almost bankrupt nation from economic collapse.

But now when we talk about them talk only other things.

I am no historian, politician or intellectual (but a pseudo one) neither I am defending or approving those scam (who am I to defend anyway!) for those charge. But I am not at all ashamed to say that they are my hero for the positive contribution they have made.

Kechaikhaiti (কেচাইখাইতী)

Before the Viashnavite renaissance (1400 AD ---) in Assam in the remote eastern corner in a place called Kundil (now Sadiya ) there was a temple of powerful goddess named Kechaikhaiti (কেচাইখাইতী).The local tribes – Deuris, Kacharis ,Chutiya used various kind of offering to their powerful deity. As time passed many of these offerings in fact turned out to be human. In the beginning it used to be a voluntary affair and the person who has volunteered himself to be sacrificed for Goddess was called a xar (ষাড).The xar and his family used to get immense freedom ,respect and benefits from the society as the notion was once Goddess is satisfied there won’t be any calamity in the locality for the year .

Then Ahoms invaded the area ,and Goddess Kechaikhaiti become one of the important reference point of sociopolitical situation of 600 year old history of Ahom dynasty .Many of the Ahom kings become devotee of the Goddess .So yearly there were many offering(as sacrifice) from the kingdom for peace and well being of the country. And many times this human sacrifice became a mean to get rid of rivals in the midst of political chaos of Ahom kings.

That slice from historical literature always fascinated me like anything .

As history fascinates me and when the bugs from history bites my I have to scratch the itch .One of such scratch was the visit to Kechaikhaiti than situated in remote location inside Sadiya. It was Diwali of -2005 and we had a break of two days from hospital duty in Dibrugarh .

We used Bike ,Bus , boat , tempo to reach the place after two days of journey we reached the temple –all alone and unabashed by the river Kundil .

It was nothing to many, but for us the feel of the place was something else.

Do you remember?

 

Some sensational news that has been long forgotten, Today is 21^st September 16 aniinversiery of one of such fluke news that gripped the nation for one day, do you remember?

I too forgot the whole stuff ,but 20 th September is the birth date of my alma mater –Guwahati Medical College ,So remembering the date yesterday everything came to my mind like a flash back-

It was 1994, For the first time we, the young Turks were celebrating the foundation day ,We were dancing all over the places, and next day (classes were cancelled),when I got up it was evening ,I just walked through Ganesh guri ,where I saw hundreds of people queuing up in the Ganseh Temple

‘What’s up pal?’

I asked a friend

‘Doesn’t U know Lord Ganesha is drinking milk and all of then is queuing up for it only?’

I was asleep just for few hours and everything was happening for that time.

Some one observed the phenomenon in morning, and soon the word propelled like bone fire and the whole nation was witnessing the event to the utter amusement.

Soon the news spread that the whole Shiva family is drinking milk,

Milk was seen flowing through the Drains like anything.

In the evening we saw in news channel that the phenomenon was observed even outside India,

Boy Boy !

By late night one English news channel showed –It is nothing but a normal phenomenon happens everywhere, one Shoe-cleaner demonstrated that even his shoe polishing iron is also capable of drinking milk.

Do you remember?

Dare delived eggs

If you take jokes very seriously, few can have such a big impact that extend that it can become life’s philosophy.

Like I want to become the egg that jumped from the middle floor.

Don’t you remember?

Three eggs jumped from a building, from 1^st, 2nd and 3^rd floor respectively.

Nothing happened to the first one –As – Jisko rakhe sai mar sake na koi.

Nothing happened to the 2 one also .Why?

As –practice makes an egg perfect.

But the 3^rd one jumped and crumbled.

Why –overconfidence is leads to your downfall.

Well in one of the blog. I discussed about the confidence (or arrogance) of Salvador Dali. In previous blog I discussed about the middle path of Buddha.

But the same thing can be explained by mere example of this egg joke also.

Boy Boy, that’s why people say I don’t know how to KISS. (Keep it simple and straight, yarr !

U dirty minds! :-)

Searching the middle path

Living means fighting within you the Ghost of dark power.

A famous malicious quote or the hard fact?

Where is the light? Or is there any light at all?

I don’t have any answer

I don’t know,

I am looking into the labyrinth within,

One voice whispered into my ear ‘The light within will show the way – hey Tathagata,’(আত্মদ্বীপে দেখুৱাব বাট-হে তথাগত/নবকান্ত বৰুৱা)

Who was it? I thought.

Remembered it’s a poetry by Ekhud kaiti* I read long ago.

Helping to select right path of the light through darkness

Between cruelties Or being a looser of life.

*Nabakanta Baruah

Photograph source :unknown ,downloaded long back as I liked it

believe

One of my greatest regret of my life is not to be present on Woodstock festival-1969 .The 3 days of ecstasy filled peace love and music. May be the festival didn’t proved any point .It doesn’t matter- But it was a congregation of thousands of people –who believed we can change the world through music. Those believe are very important, which we seem to be lacking in modern lifestyle infested world.

I believe I cant change anything-not to speak of society or any big stuff ,I can not even extract a smile in return many time.

Last Sunday I had to come-back from Delhi to Dehradun, My workplace. It is only 240 km .To my surprise there was no train reservation, no bus, No shared taxi and there were hundreds of people waiting en route to Haridwar.For the Shahi Snan of MAHA KUMBH on Monday.

Boy boy!

From Delhi ISBT ,I took, Auto, rikswa ,indica, Santro to reach my place at a 100 time cost and in triple amount of time after midnight. I felt like I am en route to Woodstock -1969. Business was at its peak. All I had to do was reach for the Shahi snan and have a dubki to wash off all my sins.(there may be too many to my credit).I didn't do that May be I don't believe in all those.And in all these these three month of Maha Kimbh HAR Ki PAURI is only 50 KM from my place ,but I was not there .

But there were people who still have the believe.

These believe -I think may be important to live.

Human

Still remember the plot of a movie that touched me long back. An innocent girl of a suburban area was the only sensible earning member of a poor family. So her mother doesn’t want her to be married. Her boy friend prefers his career to love; her sister cheats on her and marries off to her boy friend. Her brother parasitize on her to fulfill his desire for a singing carrier, her father could do nothing but to watch everything happening.
Eventually at the end every one fulfills their lust at the cost of her sacrifice and the girl die of tuberculosis all alone far away from home, helpless, friendless, and betrayed and sick with life.
It was Meghe Dhaka Tara –how nicely Ghatak explored human nature.
Another movie tried to explain the same truth by its story and its nomenclature the name is - Kaminey

Paradox!

I see paradox in everything. I don’t know if we have a name for this condition or not.

Saw Three Idiots, the latest block blaster .A nice movie which speaks the bitter truth of modern day reality with a great message that to come out of this cut throat world. Great!

But it’s a movie based on a plot (not story mind it) and all of them in the movie fell in love with their product in such a way that they have refused to accept the original idea of the plot and that way they are contradicting the very message (a much needed one ) of the movie.

Well Slumdog ,Omkara, Maqbul ,kalyug (Shyam Benegal-Gisrish karnard) are great work and people still appreciate the script writer but the maker have not stopped acknowledging the original man who conceived the seed of a original story.

New year musing

* Photograph of fog on new years eve through the window Dehradun

Another new year, nothing new though

Except the wishes n sms, TV, and net

Or in the extra food, cakes or drink

Or the extra smile and shake

Or the extra fog

Or extra cynicism with malice by and a man with nothingness.

Sad news for music:

The key vocalist and percussionist of Indian Ocean Asheem Chakravarty expired of cardiac arrest on 26 the December. Singing and playing the tabla with all the passion and perfection, How many such rock star are their? Indian Ocean by virtue of their originality and experimentation was always a source of inspiration for me and on that very day we got another very sad news. Indian branch of World space radio is filing for bankruptcy and it will no longer be in air after 31st December, 2009. It is my only source for uninterrupted music since last two years. Be it classical (Indian, western, Karnatik,) Rock (hard, soft, alternative) Pop country or what not .Thinking is the only activity I do without getting bored and alas two of my great inspiration for my nonstop beberibang (gibberish) is no longer their.

Slave

Last night, as usual I was alone and thinking nothingness.

I couldn’t find my cell phone. I was wondering how to get up in the morning for duty as my cell phone is my only alarm clock (calendar, secretary, postman, en all after my laptop).

I have a landline, but TO MY UTTER SURPRISE I don’t even remember my own cell number, let alone others. So ringing up to find where it is, is also out of question. I tried the net if some friend is online I can ask him to give me a call (so that I can trace my mobile), but no one was there. Then the server speed got down.

After a while light went off.

I was all alone in the dark, just helpless and not knowing if I could join my duty on time for next day or not.

Oh my god, I seem I stopped thinking also